Greetings from outer space (well from the big silver flyie crashie thing anyway). It’s no secret that I am not a huge fan of flying (refer previous ramblings) however to travel any distance it’s marginally better than going by boat. As nice as boats are, if things go wrong in a boat in mid ocean you are definitely going to be at the mercy of the elements for much longer, and will no doubt take longer to die.

Before I forget, for the benefit of anyone stumbling over this blog site it is not intended to be educational, informative, accurate or even entertaining its purpose is to assist a small group of family and friends (mostly family not so many friends) in getting an update on where the writer and therefore his long suffering photographer wife are likely to be  ……so continue at your own peril.

Back to the big metal, highly flammable, scientifically correct but still scary aeroplane. How these things don’t crash more often amazes me, they weigh 360 odd tonnes empty and then the owners add another 200 tonnes fuel and cargo,  this gives us an all up weight of upwards of 560 tonnes. flying at a tad over 1000 kilometres per hour at a height of 13 kilometres. Your average car requires about 750 kilograms of steel, 180 kilograms of iron, 110 kilograms of plastics, 80 kilograms of aluminium, and 60 kilograms of rubber, as well as, less significant amounts of different materials so the total mass of a good size car is about 1.5 tonnes. Conclusion, 1 plane equals 370 cars give or take. I ask myself, how are you likely to get a Woolworth’s parking lot full of cars to fly and that question brings me to my next concern….. The plane is  going to have up to 320,000 liters of fuel on board to get it in the air and to it’s destination, that’s 10 semi trailers full of highly flammable jet fuel which is basically unleaded kerosene, so if this puppy engages with a suitable  heat source (read match) its going to be pretty warm in here. Much, much warmer than Mum and Dad’s old kero heater circa 1955. You know the one with the domed mesh burner that could pump out enormous amounts of carbon monoxide in a very short space of time. For those who aren’t aware carbon monoxide is a gas that that becomes a bit of a problem when it binds to haemoglobin and stops this protein from efficiently transporting oxygen around the body the final conclusion being a bit terminal. The most common symptoms of CO poisoning are headache, dizziness, weakness, upset stomach, vomiting, chest pain, and confusion. CO symptoms are often described as “flu-like”. The kero heater could have made us think we had the flu even if we didn’t. But don’t take my word for it ask Dr. Brian.

Fortunately, or not, the most common causes of air incidents (that’s crashes to you and I) are not spontaneous combustion or even CO poisoning they are in fact: pilot error, mechanical failure, weather, sabotage and the use of muppets in the maintenance department. So that makes me feel marginally happier about the kero heater situation.

Just remember the airline regards you’re life, health and safety as paramount in it’s total operation (even more important than profit) which is just as well because your life is in there hands.

The cargo manifest of any flight includes, among other things, the unsuspecting passengers who, luckily, for them are kept unaware of their impending demise. This is achieved through a series of  cleaver ploys which include but is not restricted to:

1. Courteous and helpful cabin staff. (Except Qantas staff on the Japan flights who sit up the back and drink the left over first class wine.)

2. The distribution at critical moments of little treats and snacks for being well behaved cargo. (We are just cargo by the way.)

3. Audio and visual distractions in the form of movies, music, info-commercials and the like. (These are designed to bore you into a false sense of security.)

4. Information  from airline staff that we will be arriving on time and all is well. (Information they can not possibly know to be correct.)

And my favourite

5. Free alcohol!

There is some suggestion that the oxygen levels on aircraft are kept artificially low to keep the passengers slightly sedated. While I don’t subscribe to this theory I can see some merit in the introduction of controlled amounts of nitrous oxide in to the cabin ventilation system.

Anyway, I’ve made my point (again) so I think I’ll sit back and relax, get one of the helpful cabin staff to  bring me a snack to have with a healthy supply of good old NUMBER 5 while I watch a distracting movie.

Snakes on a Plane starring Samuel L. Jackson….Excellent choice!

Yup! It’s a snake alright.