There was a woman this morning at the “gourmet buffet breakfast” (that’s another story) shooting her own documentary on her smart phone. Her narration ran ” I’m in the dining area now heading for the juice bar which by the way is next to the coffee machine and adjacent to the cereal section, oh my god I can’t believe they did that….”. Well maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but only slight.

Fascinated by this new trend of the digital age I did a quick google search to pick up some tips for would be smart phone jockeys and harvested the following tips for the perfect selfie.

1.Look up toward the camera. (Always handy if you actually want to be IN the picture).

2.Extend your head away from your neck. (This will ensure you look like a giraffe).

3.Instead of holding your phone in front of you, hold it to the side for a flawless angle. (OK, triangle, rectangle, flawless angle… got it).

4.Relax your mouth, and exhale, blowing air through your lips. ( I’ve tried this and there is no way I can blow air through my lips, this just makes my cheeks puff up).

5.In your selfie-ready position, slowly spin until you find your best light. (Six times I turned round and still no best light, just light headed from all the turning).

It’s a good thing we have Nick our new resident grip in the family so he can set this stuff up for us. Lights–camera– actio——–Noooooo!… flat battery.

In August of this year one hundred and fifty thousand tourists are expected in Venice. The city, or archipelago if you will, has a population of fifty five thousand. Each year more residents move away as the cost of staying goes up. I had a haircut today (didn’t see that one coming did you) and the barber, a long time resident told me how the city is changing. “The taxis and gondolas are run by the Mafia with a five hundred thousand Euro buy in” also “Real Estate prices are going up so much no one can afford to live here, it’s Hotels and B and B’s. and shops for tourists.” I suggested a ticket kiosk at the train station and call it “Venice Land”. He looked glum and agreed that was likely.

75 Bucks for a gondola ride. Smart phone at the ready.

By the way culture is not dead in Venice, if that’s what you thought I was suggesting, just a little while ago Jen snapped a picture of Michael Angelo’s David and insisted I include it.

NUDITY WARNING

NUDITY WARNING

NUDITY WARNING

Mikki, knowing you would not be put off by a little (no pun intended) nudity. To answer your question the quality of coffee at every hotel so far is rubbish. I suspect most coffee shops use goats milk or maybe the barristers spit in the tourist coffee. We are thinking of ordering a de-constructed coffee so as to better understand the underlying and fundamental flaws in what is after all a simple process. You would think a country that spawned such great talent as da Vinci would be able to train someone to mix coffee, water and the occasional drop of milk together in something like the correct proportions to create something approaching a decent cup of coffee. But sadly no.